Seriously.. fook hing ly fooked..

FOOK!

This is originally a comment I posted on a fellow victim’s site. There’s even a facebook group for sufferers.

*warning. long comment*

amen to that brotha! or sista!

*start rant*

i’ve reached a point where i’m expecting the train to be late every time i want to take it. i’ll walk at a leisurely pace, even though the indicator lights are blinking and i’m still 5 minutes away from the platform.. sometimes i’ll intentionally walk slower..

but no matter how late i am, stupid fooking train will surely be later…

i feel like i’m stuck in a relationship where i’m being cheated on day after day, and even though i know that i’m being played, i still want to be together, cause i love her just so much.

i feel like i’m among brethren here.. i feel safe..

the other time, i was taking the train from subang to midvalley, via sentral.

i had to wait half hour at subang station just for the train to arrive. needless to say, the indicator indicates nothing.

by the time the train arrived, we were packed in like sardines, and just as we were reaching sentral, about 200 metres away, the train stopped, for another freaking 20 minutes.

and when i finally stepped out at sentral, the ever so macho announcer greeted me with “harap maaf, semua train ke semua destinasi telah dibatalkan. sila dapatkan pengangkutan alternatif ke destinasi anda”. mother fooking idiot.

and just like the foolish guy who’s stuck in a loveless relationship, guess what i took right the next day?

stupid train, can’t live with, can’t live without.

i’m ashamed of myself.

*end rant*

Note the aerodynamic form of the train which defies the laws of physics and somehow helps SLOW down the train. That’s the only explanation for the (in)consistent timing of the trains.

And oh, once I was even lucky enough to be in the train when the last carriage started puffing out smoke. Just like the old grandpa on the rocking chair sucking on the cigar roll.

Only blacker.

The smell? It was awesome! Just like grandpa’s Cuban.

Hope this is just rewards for my loyal readers who check on the site day in day out. The 2 of you. I counted.

Normal service to be resumed after end of thesis. Or life. Whichever occurs first.

Do any of you know Mr. Lim Ah Lek or a Mr. Mohd. Zain bin Mat Taha on a personal level?  They are the Chairman and General Manager for Commuter Services.

Please relay my frustrations to them.

Celtic FC v FC Barcelona ——————–> Cha-ching!
Olympique Lyonnais v Manchester United ——————–> Cha-ching!
FC Schalke 04 v FC Porto ——————–> Cha-ching!
Liverpool FC v Internazionale Milano ——————–> Erk!
AS Roma v Real Madrid CF ——————–> Erk!
Arsenal FC v AC Milan ——————–> Erk!
Olympiacos FC v Chelsea FC ——————–> Cha-ching!
Fenerbahce SK v Sevilla FC ——————–> Erk!

After a rigorous calculation involving spreadsheets, scientific gamblometers and other words that would make you gawk in amazement and wonder,  I’ve calculated my predictions to be at 0.5.

An even split down the middle! Guess that’s the best way to start now, isn’t it?

In my defence, the teams (and referees) did not follow the scripts I sent them! Yes, I’m looking right at you Messrs. Tom Henning Ovrebo and Frank de Bleeckere. These two cost Internazionale a place in the Quarterfinals. Still, that doesn’t account for the other 3 missed predictions.

And now, for some further sullying of the Dikos’ Punditry brand name, here are the predictions for the next round of matches. Or also known as the “I’ll make up for the money I’ve lost in the previous round by betting double in this!” round.

Arsenal vs Liverpool
AS Roma vs Manchester United
FC Schalke 04 vs FC Barcelona
Fenerbahce SK vs Chelsea FC

I wager (pun fully intended) there’s going to be an upset in there somewhere.

Good thing I’m not a betting man!

Ps: I wonder if the post had anything to do with all those unknown number I keep receiving angry calls from.

I was having a fever.

Dang I think this will be a permanent addition to the site. A post explaining the previous post. After every post.

I feel like I have heat vision, irradiating every living soul within 20feet, which includes myself, sadly. (Note: Something that needs to be fixed in version 3.0).

I can feel the heat from my dragon nostrils singeing away the last remnants of hair (now considered whiskers) that I have have left.

In case that made you yelp in coolness, there’s more to come.

Also, as per the improvements over a dragon that is promised with every revision, I feel like I can emit heat waves from every last appendage I have, the dangling ones or otherwise.

And what is a dragon without wings?

Definitely not The Better. Might have been a prototype, a version 0.93. Also known as a house lizard.

But definitely not The Better. I can feel them grow. I have aches under both my upper arms.

“Why upper arms? Should they not grow out from your back?” you ask.

Give me a moment to recover from my incontrollable laughter. Well, if it did, silly humans, it would have been a version 1.0 now, wouldn’t it?

Also, my voice is undergoing a gradual transformation as to befit a real life dragon version 2.0, The Better. That would certainly explain the soreness and coarseness I feel in my throat.

But till then, until I emerge as the greatest of all version 2.0, (Mac OS inclusive), all i can do is writhe around (like a dragon might).

I guess this is good enough for a comeback post won’t you agree?

What??! You dare disagree with a live dragon?! A version 2.0 at that!!

Can you feel that rumble in the pit of your stomach?

Do not be deceived, mortal. Do not now be rushing to the kitchen for a packet of nourishing (fact) Maggi Mee.

It’s the fear mechanism doing it’s job. Either that or it’s actually the “BOW BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY REAL LIFE DRAGON” sonic wave that booms out from me, acting as my herald.

To those nearby, that sonic wave camouflages itself as a whiny fart.

Be WARNED!!

Now, for that freaking Panadol that is the cornerstone of every dragon’s breakfast. Especially at 5.05am in the morning.

In today’s post, I have the best thing since toast with butter to go along with your “free” copy of the Photoshop software you have installed in your computer.

A series of video lessons on how to use the software. Which is free. With no quotation marks. And no fineprints as well.

Here’s the first installment of the series.

I wouldn’t want to give up the actual link lest I lose the site traffic that I crave, as I so shamelessly advertised on my not-so-friendly friendster page.

Stop snickering at the number next to the profile views as well.

Ps: And that SHIAH category isn’t a bastardization of Islamic sect of Shi’a, it’s actually Self Help Is All Help. Quite apt, yes?

Pps: Shame about the title though.

And there will always be this one guy who goes, “What, you’ve only gotten to know-about/watch/listen/play it now? I’ve known/watched/listened/played it months ago. *snigger snigger*

Doesn’t it make you feel like punching the guy right smack on his nose? Well, I can’t really help you there. Lest I get sued.

But what I can do, is help make you become that guy. After all, if you can’t beat them, you’ll have to join them, no?

Dang that’s such a clichéd thing to say.

Well anyways, here to help you become the jackass that you’ve always had the potential to be but never could, the following are the 8 movies that I am eagerly anticipating. I’ve even listed the necessary sites for your viewing pleasure.

Just a reminder, they won’t necessarily be blockbuster hits, but just like you, these shows have the potential.

And when they finally hit it big, you know just what to say.
10,000 B.C.
Official Site
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

Cloverfield
Official Site
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Official Site
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

The Dark Knight
Official Site
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

Valkyrie
Official Site
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

The Day The Earth Stood Still
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

The International
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

The List
Movie Bible
Answer to all of life’s questions

Ps: Remember now, practise those snickers in front of the mirror. You never know when you’ll need to use them.

Those awkward conversations at parties.  Consider this a dikos-sent. Burst out into this story whenever you feel a So conversation coming along. And before long, you’ll be having conversations that will have your mom embarrassed. Stories that will have her chasing after you with industrial strength toothpaste.

Consider this a social service.

And you’re welcome.

so okay…
the following story has 7 characters
wah!
ready?
yeap
i’ll reply slow
1. dikos 2. kimchi 3. morty 4. anchovy 5. alvin’s girlfriend 6. giant 7. young dashing stranger (yds)
continue
get familiarised with the 7 characters
and the story begins
erm.. that’s it
wat?!
and giant used to be my housemate
wats the characters for then?
when i stayed in boulevard of the cancer rays
no no.. that’s about it for character description
hahahahhaa
so.. ready?
we’re going up the escalator… i met motivation’s brother..
with the girlfriend..
woot woot…
and she doesn’t recognise me
i’m damn sad
after all the rounds of forbidden fruit we went through together last christmas..
she doesn’t remember me..
so i was talking with those two
told the others to go buy the tickets
hahahaa
so i spent about 10 minutes talking to motivation’s brother
he misses me
i his abang’s brother
so yeah caught up a bit
hahahah
so by the time i made my way to the queue
i saw giant, morty and kimchi lining up
anchovy and girlfriend nowhere to be found
*sidetrack*
i like nowhere
the word
could mean two things
ok
depending on how you split it
now here no where
not bad right?
*end sidetrack*
so this is the queue
and they were right at the last line
morty was talking to giant
and kimchi was standing alone
so i went up to her
i acted like i wanted her to help me buy tickets
as though we were strangers la
so i went, hello miss, can you help me get the tickets for bla bla bla.. only for 2
i’ll even pay you extra bla bla
she malas layan me.. asked me to just get in the line in front of her
hahahahahaha
i realised everyone was staring la.. everyone who’s behind cece
hahahahhaa
the moment i got back in line..
ngam ngam morty looked back and saw me..
and he was saying “eh apa ni, main masuk masuk, go behind go behind”
i was between morty and kimchi
when i turned back at kimchi
the young dashing stranger who was behind cece ( a 40++ year old grumpy chinese male)
started asking me to go to the back of the line
going “no no i don’t care, you go line up “
so i went up to him..
i told him.. “sir you got me mistaken.. these are my friends..”
he cut me off.. “i don’t care you go to the back of the line”
so i asked him.. so what’s the problem right now..
he went all ballistic..
saying i’m making the line longer, this and that
had to explain slowly that they’re buying the tickets.. and they’re my friends…
and that i’m not buying any extra tickets
he replied “then why are you in the line? you have no civic mindedness
if that’s the case if you got 10 friends, ask all 10 of them to come in the line la..”
i told him i’m in the line because we haven’t actually decided on the movie to watch yet
damn drama..
this guy was raising his voice
kimchi and morty takut nak tengok
so i was talking to him la..
then he gave up.. didn’t want to talk to me anymore.. ask me to go in front
all the while folding his hands in front of his chest
i wanted to laugh also
didn’t know why he so emo
i think and think also cannot understand why
then it was over la…
hahahha
was telling kimchi.. sure is a memorable trip to kl for you
we reached the next turn
so giant, morty, kimchi, me, young dashing stranger
i went in front of kimchi to talk to morty
then guess what
anchovy decided to show up
HAHAHAHAHAHA he cut in the line behind kimchi
right in front of the young dashing stranger
ho!
the guy meletup
keep shouting at anchovy
asking him to get out of the line…
hahahah
and anchovy was scolding back…
damn kesian anchovy also
suddenly kena scold
hahahah
thats funny
and the guy was talking about civic mindedness and all
so i walked back.. to talk to the guy…
by the time i made my leisurely way back
it turned into an f word contest
and alvin was the only one takng part
hahahahahahahha
HAHAH
i damn malu dy
here we have a 20 plus guy talking like that to a guy twice his age
damn malu
so i kept pushing anchovy to go to the front…
he didn’t want to go… keep shouting obscenities at the guy
oh man
drama
and this time EVERYONE was looking
hahahah
i got between the guy and anchovy
morty managed to pull anchovy away..
still mouthing off
man was going “you shut up i’m talking to your friend(dikos) i’m not talking to you”
anchovy was shouting “f you la suck my nads” and other choice expletives
i was pushing the man back also
hahahahaha
i had to apologize to the man
hahhaha
good good
i had to apologize
for nothing
i think
u were the hero at that time
i was going “sir, i am truly sorry for my friend’s behavior”
so the apology was worth it
and anchovy was going “f you la” right over my voice
hahahahahaha
then was explaining the whole thing to the man again
kimchi i don’t know she malu or takut
hahahahahhaa
basket giant so big never do anything
hahahahahha
then sudah settle everything.. then continue lining up like nothing happened la
hahahahaha
how’s the story?

And this is all about the P word. The R word is still lost at the station.

Now, from reading all the news in the papers, you’d think that illegal rallies do nothing but ‘affect economy, people’s lives’. That these rallies are just politically motivated. And that such claims are anything but absurd.

But somehow every now and then you’ll read and hear about the government carrying out actions that these illegal rallies were fighting for just a few moments before. Meeting up with them discuss these non-existent issues. Taking steps to solve these obviously made-up problems.

Isn’t everything well in Malaysia?

Mixed signals don’t you think?

But this one move, is a political masterstroke. Remember the calls for changes in the election? About reforming the electoral process. Ensuring that there’s no hanky panky when it comes to casting votes for your representatives in the government.

In other words, for the election to be fair and transparent.

Well, looks like the government has actually agreed with that idea.

They’ve agreed to, wait for it.. the punchline is right around the corner. They’ve actually agreed to the use of TRANSPARENT ballot boxes during the election. Tadaaaa!

Thank the goats for such literal interpretation by the very able people at the Election Commission.

How can any newscaster actually present that to the masses without actually ROFLing is beyond comprehension.